


One Love

by AlxSteele



Series: Through The Looking Glass [20]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - This World Inverted (Shadowhunters TV), Developing Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love, M/M, Malec, Panic Attacks, blanket fort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2016-06-22
Packaged: 2018-07-16 14:27:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7271908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlxSteele/pseuds/AlxSteele
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in the AU from This World Inverted: Alt!Malec celebrates their four-month anniversary while dealing with all the things piling up between them. Sad. Bittersweet. Alec is a great boyfriend. Includes a blanket fort.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Love

**Author's Note:**

> Basically, here we have Alec continuing to make bad decisions and not talk about things (god damn Alec, you have issues!) and Magnus doing the same (get your shit together guys!) and other things.
> 
> Also, I'm not really sure how this turned out so long, it just did. I've kept my weakness hidden from you for a while now (and that's that I am a very wordy person) but I couldn't be restrained this time!
> 
> NOW I had an amazing request for the panic attack thing, from RoseMiaBellaAngel, and I really hope I did this justice for you!?! I used to get panic attacks so I tried to write it as realistically as I could remember how it felt, anyway, hope you enjoyed this one and thanks for the prompt!
> 
> Title from One Love by Marianas Trench

Alec spent the week leading up to his four month anniversary with Magnus, planning the night. It also happened to be the week that followed their kind-of-fight and he was doing basically anything to avoid actually talking about things and pretending everything was fine. Which he knew was stupid but he did anyway.

The anniversary, though… Four months, Alec thought, again and again, it seemed crazy. Had he met Magnus only four months ago? Had it already been four whole months?

When Alec stopped to think about it, it was embarrassingly hard to remember what his life had been like before meeting Magnus. It felt simultaneously like he’d known him forever and like it was just yesterday they met and Magnus wouldn’t even flirt with him.

Alec wanted to do something special, but not over the top. Luckily, he was a party planner, he was used to planning things, he definitely had it under control. That’s why he went to Izzy for advice on everything.

Alec couldn’t even imagine how he’d gotten there, in a relationship for four months, on the verge of…something. Something big. Something real. Already in love and just…held back by that one thing…

That one thing that was everything building up in the space between him and Magnus. No matter how many times Alec shoved it away, no matter how much he ignored it and pretended it wasn’t there, it was.

Alec was thinking about all of this on the cab ride over to Magnus’. It was the day before their anniversary and he wasn’t sure Magnus even knew the date. It didn’t matter. Alec wasn’t doing this to get something in return, he just…wanted everything to be okay between them. Wanted to have a perfect night tomorrow night.

Opening the door to the loft, he promised himself just one more night of pretending everything was perfect and then he’d act like the adult he technically was. Then, he’d make sure they talked about…everything.

Just one night and everything else would work itself out.

***

When Alec woke up in the morning, the memory swirling in his brain as he laid in the empty bed in Magnus’ loft, was the day Magnus had been sick and delirious. It was one of Alec’s favorite memories of Magnus, who had mumbled nonsense and constantly told Alec he hated him in the most adorable manner. Alec had never let himself think of what happened then, knowing it didn’t count, not really. The way Magnus had mumbled the words through a cold medicine haze, on the verge of sleep.

Alec also clearly remembered mumbling the words himself, earlier that week after they went to Pandemonium _. I love you_. Alec was drunk, not just from the multitude of alcohol he’d consumed but from how close Magnus had been pressed up against him all night. On the feeling of Magnus in his arms. The smell of him filling his lungs with every breath.

It really wasn’t surprising that he’d muttered the words before passing out. He wasn’t even really embarrassed. However…that also didn’t count.

They’d both said it, said what this was between them, said how they felt. But it didn’t _count_. It didn’t count if you never mentioned it again or you weren’t sober when you said it. They both _knew_ it but…it wasn’t really real yet.

Alec wanted to say it where it counted.

But he woke up to an empty bed again and instead, he had to try to push all those unwanted feelings away once more.

Alec felt the three little words pounded out in the beat of his heart as he showered and dressed, taking clothes from the dresser drawer he could no longer remember when Magnus had cleared out for him.

Everything’s okay, he told himself, setting about preparing everything for that night, — triple checking the text Magnus had sent about when he’d be off work — Tonight will be perfect and everything will be okay again, he added for good measure.

***

There were two parts to Alec’s grand anniversary plan. Both were nearly ruined when Magnus tried to walk into the loft five minutes early. Alec — who was across the room from the door, surveying his work — nearly wrecked the surprise, literally almost destroying it, as he ran to the door.

Slamming the door closed with his whole body as it started to open, Alec winced at the sound Magnus made.

“Sorry!” Alec called through the door, biting back a laugh as the moment struck him as hilarious.

Turning, he looked over the living room that no longer resembled the same room it’d been that morning. He’d been a little worried about this part of the plan but, looking at it, he couldn’t help but grin. He hadn’t been sure Magnus would like it but really…who wouldn’t?

“Alexander?” Magnus’ voice came through the door again. Alec’s heart beat faster and he lost his breath for just a moment.

“Hmm?” Alec leaned his back against the door conversationally, breathing deeply. He could picture the look on Magnus’ face and had to bite his lip so he wouldn’t laugh again.

“Are you going to let me in?”

“Nope.”

“Any reason?” Alec could practically hear the smile in Magnus’ voice now, picturing Magnus’ beautiful dark face, turning up with a smile, bright eyes shining.

“Yeah, there’s a reason.”

“Did you kill my cats?” Magnus’ voice was playful but with an edge of actual worry that made Alec laugh again.

“No,” he called back, closing his eyes and leaning his head against the door with a smirk.

Magnus fell silent so all Alec could hear was his own heartbeat. Alec felt the door shift slightly when Magnus leaned his back against the other side.

“So then, are you going to tell me when I’m allowed in? Or why you’ve barricaded me from my home?”

Alec tilted his head, considering. “Eventually.”

He stood up, turning and relocking the door and sliding the chain — that probably hadn’t been used since Magnus moved in, considering Magnus never locked his door — home.

“Alexander! Did you just lock the door?”

Alec made a humming sound of consent that he was sure Magnus probably couldn’t hear. “You’re early! Give me five minutes, stay out there and don’t you dare try to open the door or you don’t get your surprise!”

Alec ran to the bedroom before he could hear Magnus’ reply. Everything was ready except for Alec himself. He changed into a pair of dark jeans and a nice dark blue sweater he knew highlighted his hazel eyes. In the bathroom, he quickly fixed his hair, grinning at his reflection.

Back beside the front door, Alec grabbed the bottle of wine he’d forgotten earlier before calling out. “Okay, I’m going to need you to turn away from the door and close your eyes.”

“What?” Was Magnus’ reply, sounding thoroughly confused but also on the verge of hysterical laughter. “What’s going on, Alec?”

“You heard me,” Alec replied. “Do it or no surprise.”

Alec heard muttering through the door but couldn’t make out the words.

“Okay.”

“Have you turned away?” Alec bit his lip, grinning at Church who lazily licked his paw from the kitchen doorway.

“Yes,” the annoyed voice of his boyfriend came back.

“Closed your eyes?”

“ _Yes._ I swear, if this is some elaborate prank…” Magnus muttered.

Alec undid the chain and the locks, slipping out into the hall where Magnus stood just an inch or two in front of him. Turning back, Alec quickly locked the door. He then slipped up behind Magnus, wrapping his free arm around him from behind and moving close to press a soft kiss to the sensitive skin behind his ear. Alec smirked when he felt Magnus’ breath catch.

“It’s not a prank,” he breathed the words in Magnus’ ear.

Magnus cleared his throat, turning slightly towards Alec. “Can I open my eyes now?”

Alec kissed him once more. Aiming for the lips this time and Magnus returned the kiss immediately.

Alec sighed, “If you must.”

Alec let him go and Magnus turned completely, eyes fluttering open. He looked at Alec and grinned in a way that made Alec think he hadn’t even consciously decided too. Then, his gaze moved from Alec to the door — firmly shut — behind him and then down to the hand clutching the bottle of very expensive wine.

Magnus frowned, looking back up at Alec. They stayed there for a minute, just staring at each other, small smiles flitting across faces here and there. Alec couldn’t help but notice Magnus looked as good as usual in his everyday jeans and a dark sweater.

Magnus was the first to break the silence. “Not that I don’t love a good surprise but…what’s going on, Alexander?”

Alec thought it was slightly embarrassing that, after four months of dating, his stomach still did that weird flip when Magnus called him by his full name.

Magnus’ brows furrowed as Alec just kept staring at him, the dim hallway light illuminating Magnus’ light brown skin and all the details of his face that Alec had memorized but couldn’t get enough of looking at.

Alec opened his mouth but his throat was dry and no words came out. He closed it again, swallowed. Finally, giving Magnus a mischievous smirk, he held his hand out.

Magnus grabbed it without hesitating.

“Follow me.”

Alec led Magnus upstairs, wondering if Magnus had even known there was a door up on the top floor that led to the roof. A roof that, Alec had discovered a few days before, was perfect for a rooftop picnic.

“Where are we going?” Magnus asked.

“You’ll see,” Alec grinned, looking back at Magnus over his shoulder.

Magnus was frowning but it was a good kind of frown.

When he got to the top floor, he led Magnus over to a thick metal door, producing a lock pick kit from his pocket.

“Where’d you learn to do that?”

Alec laughed, unlocking the heavy door. “Izzy,” he said simply.

“And why are we breaking into…” Magnus trailed off as the door popped open, revealing the rooftop garden. “The roof, apparently…” Magnus trailed off, taking a step forward.

“Alec,” Magnus said, in a slightly awed voice that had a smug smile crossing Alec’s face. “What are we doing?”

Alec turned to Magnus, who was looking up at him with wide eyes. Alec glanced around the roof again, making sure he hadn’t gone overboard.

Apparently, the owner of the building must have had a thing for gardening, as there were rows and rows of plants and flowers that Alec had no idea what were, taking over the roof. It was covered by an arching glass roof, like a greenhouse or something. Alec had discovered it on accident after Izzy listed off the most romantic clichés she could think of.

Magnus wandered around a few feet ahead of him, staring at the plants and then the picnic set up in the middle of the garden, near a softly flowing waterfall.

It was bright enough with just the city lights that surrounded them but Alec had brought up candles, setting them around a soft blanket topped with a picnic basket that he’d laid on the ground.

Alec finally snapped out it, when Magnus turned around, tilting his head to the side and staring at Alec like he’d never seen him before. Alec stepped past him, kicking his shoes off and setting the bottle of wine down next to the picnic basket.

He wasn’t use to being nervous, but now he was worried he’d done too much. When he looked up, Magnus was still staring at him.

“Right so… Um… Four months ago, you came to that party, at the institute and… I know we didn’t really start dating right then, but…” Alec trailed off, running a hand over the back of his neck and looking away.

He shook his head slightly and turned back to meet Magnus’ gaze. Magnus’ eyes had gone wide, mouth open just the slightest bit, doing weird things to Alec’s heart even after four months.

“But,” Alec finished. “I consider that the start of…us. So it’s our anniversary and I wanted to do something nice for you.”

Magnus shook his head slightly, moving closer to Alec. He opened his mouth but no words came out. He glanced around at everything again, grabbing Alec’s hand, before he finally found the words.

“I — I can’t — I’m _so sorry_ ,” he finally settled on. The force of his words made Alec flinch.

“Wait, what?” Alec frowned, mind not grasping what Magnus was saying.

Magnus ran a hand through his hair, looking away. “I’m… I’m _horrible_. I didn’t even… I didn’t realize — I’m so sorry, Alec.”

It took Alec a minute to catch up, and when he did, he couldn’t help smiling endearingly at his boyfriend.

Magnus was pacing now, shaking his head. “I’m… I don’t deserve this. I’ve been so - so,” he waved his hands around. “Lately. I’m sorry.”

Alec shook his head, stepping in front of Magnus as he turned to pace back the other way. He slipped a hand behind Magnus’ neck, pulling him closer so they were pressed together, only enough space in which to talk between them.

“Shut up,” Alec said softly, in a tone of voice that made it clear he was thinking more along the lines of _you’re adorable and I love you but please stop talking_.

Magnus swallowed and Alec could feel it where his hand rested on Magnus’ neck. Alec waited out their staring contest, not moving his eyes from Magnus’s until Magnus broke. It was just a second, Magnus’ gaze moving to Alec’s lips, but Alec saw it and grinned.

“Don’t be sorry,” Alec whispered, moving even closer. “I just wanted us to have a nice night.”

Magnus’s gaze was fixated on Alec’s again, his breath catching in his throat. “That sounds amazing.”

Alec could feel him breathing, could see the flecks in Magnus’ eyes that, when caught in the right light, made his eyes shine gold. He was close enough to count his eyelashes but had something better in mind.

Letting a small smile curl up his mouth, he covered the last centimeter of space between him, pressing his lips against Magnus’ and swallowing the small gasp that escaped Magnus’ mouth. Alec grinned into the kiss, keeping it soft and slow as Magnus moved to wrap his arms around Alec’s waist.

When they pulled back, they were both grinning like idiots, slightly breathless.

“We should eat,” Alec said, gaze moving over Magnus’s face before returning to his lips, causing Magnus to chuckle and pull back.

“Right. But… I will make it up to you,” he added, eyes locked intensely with Alec’s. “Next month, clear your schedule.”

Alec fought a shiver, nodding before letting go of Magnus and moving to the picnic blanket.

They ate slowly—a creamy shrimp alfredo Alec had made earlier— sipping wine and talking softly.

Alec could see it, noticed the nearly undetectable shift in Magnus’ features before he even opened his mouth. Knew the moment Magnus was going to bring it up, his heart clenching tightly in his chest.

Magnus took a deep breath and Alec could only watch, like a bystander frozen as disaster struck. “Alexander…I know there’s so much we need to talk about it—”

Alec’s heart made a bid for freedom, trying to claw up his throat and escape. He could barely breathe but managed to swallow a sip of wine, looking up and meeting Magnus’ gaze head on.

Alec cut him off, “And we will, but…not tonight. Let’s just, enjoy this.” Alec knew it was stupid, to pretend everything was perfect, nothing was wrong, but he wanted it to be so badly. He just… _wanted_.

Magnus hesitated, biting his lower lip. His eyes were full of worry when he raised them to meet Alec’s. Alec tried to control his breathing, control the panic building in him, by smiling his normal, crooked smile that always made Magnus’ eyes melt.

Magnus breathed out slowly, Alec could hear the sound of the air moving through his lips. “I just… I do want to talk, okay? I just… I wanted you to know that I do want to tell you…everything, Alexander.”

Alec knew this was what he wanted to, what he’d asked for. But he also knew he was slightly terrified. His emotions were a whirlwind he had no control of in his chest. He just _knew_ that once they talked…nothing would be the same again. And he needed to talk to Magnus, needed to hear what Magnus had to say because he was tired of it hanging between, tired of feeling like he didn’t know Magnus, like Magnus wasn’t _his_ , the way he was so totally and completely Magnus’s. Just…not yet.

He’d been the one to ask for all this, barely a week ago, when he was falling apart. But, he was also the one that shuffled it to the side once more. Alec Lightwood was good at many things, but the tough discussions? This thing between them? The only thing he was good at when it came to that, to all the little worries and voices in his head, was pushing them down and away.

“Tomorrow,” Alec said, hating how pleading and hopeful he was in that moment.

Magnus stared at him for a minute, his eyes holding more secrets, more truths, things Alec already knew and millions that he didn’t.

“Tomorrow,” Magnus echoed and this was the moment Alec could’ve said it. It was the millionth moment he could’ve said it. He wanted to say it. _Needed_ to. It was building and building and building in his chest, his stomach sick with the urge to say it, his mouth opening to form the words, such simple ones. He’d said them before. Over and over. He’d said them to Magnus when he was drunk but… this time…this was the time they’d mean it; mean everything they were supposed to mean.

So he opened his mouth and said, “Can you pass the wine?”

Because this thing was hanging between them and Alec… Alec couldn’t _say it_ until the thing was gone and Alec couldn’t face it yet so they were just…stuck. There was no moving back to when everything was perfect and new and amazing. And there was no moving forward to where it could be perfect enough and amazing and, not new, but real. Not until they talked.

God, Alec was so tired of talking and they hadn’t even started.

***

“Okay, time for part two.”

Once again, everything else seemed to fade away. It wasn’t so completely anymore, Alec could still feel the thoughts lurking in the back of his mind, and his stomach still cramped uncomfortably if he let the thoughts loose even the littlest bit, but, for the most part, they were locked safely away.

Alec was surprised when Magnus didn’t ask any questions, following Alec back inside and down to the loft.

Alec stopped outside the door, turning to Magnus. He raised his eyebrows, teasing Magnus by leaning back against the door and not letting him in yet.

Magnus smirked, rolling his eyes.

Alec grinned, his heart felt light, his stomach filled with butterflies. He made exaggerated bedroom eyes at Magnus and Magnus laughed, making Alec’s look grow more intense.

Magnus finally took the bait as Alec teased him, but instead of complaining about being let into the loft, he stepped forward, pressing Alec more firmly against the door. He raised himself on his tiptoes, grabbing Alec’s shoulders for balance before pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

Alec briefly forgot all about the second part of his plan, hands moving to cup Magnus’ face, seeking to deepen the kiss. Before he could, Magnus leaned away. Alec chased his lips, recapturing them for a second before Magnus broke away completely with a small laugh.

Alec shook his head but he couldn’t even pretend to be mad with Magnus grinning at him like that. Alec’s heart stuttered for a minute as he was reminded just how much Magnus had opened up, how different he was from the shy man Alec met at the institute party four months before.

Alec had been immediately drawn to Magnus, not only because he was beautiful but…something else. Something that made Alec approach him, let him into the party and offer him a drink. Something that made Alec seek him out only days later.

And now… Now, Alec knew what Magnus looked like when he wasn’t thinking; when he wasn’t shy or self-conscious; when he was so happy he couldn’t hold back the widest grin. Now, Alec knew what his laugh sounded like, tasted like. And he never wanted to lose those things.

The thoughts made it hard to breathe and Alec was sure, in that moment, that Magnus was thinking and feeling, if not the same exact things, very similar. It was written across his face along with the lingering grin, showing so clearly in his eyes.

“Now, listen, once we get inside, you have to promise something,” Alec said, voice coming out hoarse. “No thinking, okay? For the rest of the night, once you’ve entered the sacred territory awaiting us, no more thinking.”

Magnus narrowed his eyes but nodded. “Should I be worried?”

Alec smirked, turning and unlocking the door. He reached back for Magnus’s hand before opening the door.

Alec turned to watch Magnus’s expression as his eyes lit on the middle of the living room and the second part of their evening. Magnus’ eyes went wide for a second before a grin broke out across his face again. He turned to Alec, eyes dancing with amusement, “What is this?”

Alec turned to survey it himself. The living room had been completely changed, hidden by the mass amounts of blankets strewn across the room, hanging from the rafters and over the couch and TV. Dining chairs had been arranged around the room to hold more blanket edges and the rest of the furniture was pushed against the wall of windows opposite the front door. It’d taken Alec most the day and was made with as many blankets as Magnus had in the loft, plus some Izzy had brought over.

“It’s a blanket fort. There are three rules to a blanket fort,” Alec quickly explained as Magnus walked around the massive fort.

Magnus looked up, “Just three?”

“Yep,” Alec grinned, “First, no thinking is allowed to happen in the blanket fort.” Alec may or may not have made this rule up so that there’d be no more awkward pauses, no more worries, just for that night. “Second, you can only enter the blanket fort if you’re wearing pajamas. And three, no kissing in the blanket fort.”

 _That_ , made Magnus look up sharply, giving Alec a pout when he simply grinned. “That’s not a problem is it? You wouldn’t want to ruin the sanctity of the blanket fort, after all,” Alec teased.

Magnus narrowed his eyes like he wasn’t sure Alec was kidding or not, before shrugging. “It’s fine with me,” he said, moving towards the bedroom. “I should change, though, pajamas and all.”

“Hey! Wait! I was kidding. Kissing is allowed in the blanket fort.” Alec chased after Magnus into the bedroom, pulling on his hand playfully to try to get him to stop. “I just made up the rules! There are no rules.”

“I’m sorry, Alexander, but I just can’t,” Magnus said, turning to look at him with a grave look on his face. “I don’t want to ruin the sanctity of the fort,” he nodded seriously.

Magnus dropped Alec’s hand, moving to grab pajamas and heading to the bathroom.

“There’s no sanctity, the sanctity is gone!” Alec replied, making Magnus laugh. Alec stalked closer as Magnus stood in the bathroom doorway.

“Plus,” he added with a slow grin, lowering his voice. “Then the third rule can’t be that you get to pick what we watch all night and that the best boyfriend in the world has to get his boyfriend’s favorite ice cream for dessert.”

“You just said you made up the rules, how can I trust you now?” Magnus teased before his eyes widened comically. “Wait. Did you buy me ice cream, Alexander?”

Alec shrugged, turning away. “There may or may not be a new carton in the freezer. Who knows, the third rule has apparently changed.”

Magnus’ eyes burrowed into Alec’s back as Alec walked to the dresser, pulling off his shirt before digging out his silk pajamas.

“Screw sanctity,” Magnus said firmly, slamming the bathroom door.

***

Magnus spent longer than he intended in the bathroom, fighting to control his breathing, his shaking hands. There was this tightness in his chest and his mind was spinning, thinking all the things he wasn’t supposed to be thinking.

He really couldn’t believe it, everything Alexander had done for him. The dinner on the roof, and the blanket fort, and just the mere fact that he wanted to do something nice for Magnus, that he wanted to have a nice night. It killed Magnus…in a mostly good way. In a very good way when Magnus wasn’t thinking about how he’d been returning the favor, with secrets and lies.

His chest grew so tight he could barely breathe. He left the bathroom only because he wasn’t sure what would happen if he stood there thinking any longer.

Magnus found Alec in the kitchen, scooping ice cream.

“Hey,” Alec grinned, licking a line of mint chocolate chip ice cream that was dripping down his wrist. “I picked out a bunch of your favorite movies, they’re in the fort, pick one to watch first?”

Magnus’ heart raced in his chest. Why hadn’t he just said it… All week he’d been trying to. Over and over again he opened his mouth to tell Alec everything. And he still hadn’t. What was wrong with him?

Earlier, he’d been ready, overwhelmed by Alec and sure he needed to do it before he exploded, before it got any worse. And…well, Alec asked him not to. Did Alec… Did he even still want to know?

Magnus looked at Alec, studying him as he grabbed the Chairman when he jumped on the counter, laughing as he threw the cat back towards the living room.

Magnus would’ve thought it’d be a relief, the thought that Alec didn’t want to know, wanted to just keep pretending everything was fine. Instead, he found it quite painful, stealing the air from his lungs and leaving him feeling like he’d been punched in the gut.

“Magnus?” Alec frowned.

Magnus blinked slowly before realizing he’d been staring.

“Right. Movie.” He turned, heading back to the living room and the giant, sprawling blanket fort.

Magnus found the entrance, where two blankets pulled back enough to let him crawl through. The inside was dark, lit only by the glow from the overhead light, flittered through a bunch of thin blankets. The TV was at one end of the fort. The floor was covered in more blankets and pillows. A pile of movies sat before the TV.

Magnus had just put the blu-ray in when Alec crawled through with two bowls of ice cream. He passed one to Magnus after he’d gotten comfortable amongst the bed of pillows, leaning back against the couch. The blankets were just high enough that Alec didn’t have to worry about bumping into them.

Alec smiled, looking proudly around the inside of his fort.

Magnus took a small bite of ice cream, letting it melt on his tongue as his heart bumped against his ribs, feeling like it was about to burst. He let out a low breath, “Thank you, Alexander.”

Alec turned to him with a questioning look on his face. His hair had fallen over his forehead because he hadn’t had time to gel it before Magnus got home earlier.

“I just – I can’t believe you did all this…for me,” Magnus said softly, reverently. He really couldn’t believe it. He tried to think of the last time someone had done something like this…he knew Alec must’ve spent days planning it, all day setting it up. It made his heart ache, stomach clench, simultaneously bad and good.

He really didn’t deserve it, Magnus couldn’t help but think.

But thinking wasn’t allowed in the fort and, just then, Alec leaned forward, setting both their bowls aside. Moving to his knees, he pulled Magnus forward into a deep, lingering kiss. Magnus let his eyes close, thoughts stop as the world froze around them.

“I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t do this for you, Magnus,” Alec said when he pulled back, and Magnus shattered. No one could see it, but he fell apart into a million pieces, all because this mundane boy looked at him like he was…everything.

***

Magnus fell asleep during the first movie. He couldn’t help it, he’d been working overtime, trying to find a spell to track down the werewolves, trying to figure out what was wrong with the werewolves. Catarina needed his help finding a missing spellbook. Raphael’s vampires were up in arms over the wolves and Magnus was barely sleeping. Plus, curled up with Alexander in the dim light of the TV, in a blanket fort Alec had made for him, he was just so comfortable and so tired.

He was the first up, like he had been every day recently, usually using that time to slip out before Alec woke up and could ask questions about why he didn’t get in until after Alec was already asleep or what he had planned for the day. It killed him a little more each time he did it, and he knew it wasn’t fair… When had things gotten so complicated?

Magnus took a moment to look at Alec, who was stretched out on his back, arm around Magnus who’d slept curled into his side, head on his shoulder. Alec looked younger when he slept, different without a smirk teasing the corner of his mouth at all times.

Magnus finally pulled his gaze away and slipped out of the blanket fort to find Church and the Chairman both standing right outside, glaring at him.

Magnus glared back. “Relax, I’m not _leaving._ ”

Magnus felt stupid because here he was, a 400-year-old warlock, made to feel guilty by two literal balls of fur. They just looked so judgmental. Like they cared about and took better care of Alec than him.

Magnus’ heart squeezed tight in his chest. He mumbled to himself on his way to the kitchen.

Alec stumbled his way into the kitchen twenty minutes later.

“Magnus?” he looked up, voice full of shock, surprise written clear across his face. His dark hair was a mess, his pajama pants hanging low on his hips, shirt long forgotten.

Magnus’ heart stuttered on the verge of breaking because Alec was genuinely surprised Magnus was there. Was surprised that, even after everything he’d done for Magnus the night before, Magnus wouldn’t just slip out in the morning.

Magnus grinned, but it was forced. So was his voice, coming out at a slightly higher pitch than usual. “I’m afraid we’ll have to eat sitting on the counters since my dining chairs were used to build a fort.”

Alec rolled his eyes, stalking up to Magnus and stealing a piece of bacon off the nearest plate. “Mm, pancakes?” he asked, staring into the other pan.

Before Magnus could reply, however, Alec was kissing him.

“Mm, Magnus,” Alec muttered against his lips, tasting like the bacon he’d just eaten. Magnus’ laugh was swallowed between them.

After the pancakes had nearly burned — they ate them anyway — and the pot of coffee was emptied, Alec ran to grab a shower.

Magnus filled a to go cup with more coffee and handed it to Alec on his way out the door. Alec grinned when he saw it. Instead of saying thank you, he dragged Magnus back in for another kiss.

Later, Magnus wouldn’t really be able to say what happened next. One moment, he was grinning, watching the door close behind Alec, lips still tingling as they always did after kissing Alexander. The next, he was sliding to the ground, struggling to breathe. His chest had squeezed tight and his vision was growing narrower by the second.

His thoughts were a disjointed mess. He couldn’t stop going around and around in circles. Remembering how Alec had looked that night last week, wrecked as he confronted Magnus about keeping things from him. And then, they’d just kissed, and pushed it all aside. And Alec… Alec had said he loved him, when he was drunk and out of it… Magnus wasn’t sure it even counted but he’d _said_ it. Which meant he’d been thinking it, feeling it. And Magnus…he’d never said it back. He wanted to, so badly. How would Alec know if he never said it?

And then…

Magnus struggled to pull a breath in.

After all that, Alec had been so amazing…always. And the fort and the dinner and…everything. And Magnus had been so…horrible.

Magnus hadn’t told him so many things. He hadn’t told him what he was, what he did, how old he was. He couldn’t even remember if he’d ever told Alec his favorite color.

And… Four months. It had been _four months_ of Magnus keeping things from him, lying every second he let Alec believe he knew who Magnus was. Letting…. Letting Alec fall for him without any idea what he was getting into. If other downworlders, other immortals, didn’t want to spend a life with Magnus…how could a mundane?

Magnus was drowning in this overwhelming panic, and in every single thing he’d said and done, and not said, since meeting Alec.

What if it was too late? What if Alec couldn’t forgive him for keeping this from him?

It wasn’t even just one big thing; it was a million little things. Every single thing he’d said and done… If it wasn’t a lie, it was a half-truth. Alec… Alec deserved so much _more_ than Magnus Bane.

The thoughts pushed in around the walls he’d built in his mind, pushed in through the black now crowding his vision. He was dizzy, there was nothing but white noise rushing through his ears.

What was breathing? He didn’t know anymore, wasn’t sure he was still doing it or not. He had to be dying, he thought somewhere remotely in his mind, in the part not occupied with remembering Alec’s face being so happy, so shocked, that Magnus was there in the morning. And then Alec’s face, broken and angry. Inevitable.

He kept thinking about telling him. Thinking about everything he hadn’t told him.

He couldn’t control his thoughts any better than the thin wheezing he was doing, a pale excuse for breathing.

Dying, he thought again, I’m dying. This is it.

Alec would never forgive him. How could he expect him too? After all this time…

He didn’t know how he managed to stand up, his chest was squeezed so tight, vision narrowing. He snapped his fingers and stepped through a portal, with no memory of it afterward.

“Magnus!”

Magnus collapsed to his knees in a fancy apartment, everything was white. Tall ceilings and pristine walls. There were literal columns holding the roof up and walls and walls of windows. He saw all this, saw the blue skinned woman coming towards him, but nothing registered.

All he knew was his chest was too tight and he could not breathe. Alec. Alec. Alec, he thought and it only got harder and harder to breathe, to hear. He was going to pass out. Pass out and die. It was going to happen.

His vision got narrower until he couldn’t make out a thing, even the woman kneeling before him.

“Magnus you need to calm down,” Catarina said firmly. “You’re having a panic attack. You need to breathe.”

Breathe. Breathe? What was breathing?

The white noise edged everything else out. He couldn’t breathe, that was the problem! He was dying and he’d never even told Alec the truth… Alec was going to hate him.

His thoughts broke on a sob. How could he sob when he couldn’t breathe?

“In and out,” Catarina said sternly. Her hand was on Magnus’ bare skin and he could feel magic trinkling from her fingers throughout him. “ _Breathe.”_

***

Magnus laid under a thin, silky blanket, on the most comfortable couch in existence. The blanket was an emerald green that Magnus thought Alec would love. He kept running his fingers over it, again and again.

It was dark in the room; the many walls of windows covered now in thick curtains. The lights dimmed.

He was alone for most the day. Catarina had calmed him down with some magic, and then a lot of tea, telling him to stay as long as he wanted but she had to work. Magnus had felt like a little kid as Catarina tucked him into the couch, leaving him with yet more tea and the TV remote. It hadn’t been a bad feeling, actually.

The panic attack had worn him out and he was trying very hard not to think. Worried the sensation of dying, of not being able to breathe and that horrible white noise, would reappear.

Magnus breathed raggedly, the only sound in the empty loft.

When Catarina came back later that night, she sat on the edge of the couch, running her fingers through Magnus’ hair. Catarina was one of Magnus’ oldest friends and the only one he could imagine letting see him like this so…destroyed. Pathetic.

He didn’t even grumble or complain when she started talking to him, telling him the same thing everyone else had been trying to tell him. The thing he’d been telling himself.

Her voice was softer than the silky blanket and more calming than a cup of her warm peppermint tea. “Magnus, darling… Have you told him?”

Magnus shook his head, keeping his eyes closed.

“Magnus, darling,” she said once again, voice getting even softer. “You _have_ to tell him, the sooner the better.”

Magnus said something that made him sound pathetic and whiny but he was pathetic and scared and he had to say it because it was his deepest fear, the thing that had sent him running to Catarina unable to _breathe.._.

His voice was nothing but a croak, he was worn out and sad and knew he had no one to blame but himself and that made it even worse. “He’ll leave me,” Magnus said. _I don’t think I could stand it if he did_ , he didn’t say. _I think I might deserve it,_ he barely let himself think.

The silence that followed was complete and daunting but Magnus knew the other warlock was simply thinking before replying. “You don’t know that, Magnus,” she finally said, more firmly. “And, you can’t go on like this. You can’t keep living this lie. He has to know the truth.”

“I tried… It’s…never the right time.” Not even Magnus believed himself anymore.

Her hand paused running through his hair and he could picture the impatient look Catarina was now giving him. “You and I know both know that’s a lie. Just….do it, Magnus. Soon. Or…”

“Or you will lose him. Forever.”

***

When Magnus got back to his loft, portaling to just outside the front door, he knew he must look like death. He _felt_ like death. He snapped his fingers, unlocking the door and stumbled inside.

Alec glanced up from his book, sitting on the couch in sweats and an old ratty shirt. Magnus’ heart broke a little, when he saw that Alec had taken the fort down.

Alec smiled, a soft, loving smile that quickly turned down, worried. “Magnus?” he asked, moving to stand.

Magnus waved him away, kicking his shoes off and moving toward the couch. If Alec noticed he was still in his pajamas from that morning, he made no comment. Staying silent as Magnus dropped down on the couch next to him.

Magnus sat for a second before thinking: _screw it_. He stretched out, head towards the opposite end of the couch Alec was on. Knees curled in so as not to disturb Alec.

Alec didn’t do or say anything for a moment. This…thing was so thick between them in that moment. The elephant in the room that no one would point out for fear it would then disappear and leave just them and their mess behind.

After a few minutes, Alec set his book aside and crawled up to Magnus. The couch had always been the perfect size, letting Alec curl up behind Magnus.

Magnus couldn’t breathe once more, took shallow breaths and made his mind go blank so he didn’t flip out again. Alec curled one arm around his waist, slipping the other under Magnus’ head, like a pillow. Somehow, that made Magnus’ breath come easier.

They didn’t say anything, just laid there. Magnus’ breathing slowly evened out, his mind perfectly blank, his heart a bleeding hole he was ignoring in his chest.

An hour or more passed and Magnus was just about asleep when Alec pressed a small kiss to his cheek, the action sending Magnus’ heart racing because he didn’t deserve any of what Alec was giving him.

Alec’s voice came softly, talking not to Magnus but himself. “It’s okay,” he breathed deeply.

Alec must’ve thought he was sleeping, Magnus realized, heart sinking. Alec wrapped his arms tighter around Magnus, pulling him closer and Magnus tried to keep his breathing even.

He could feel Alec breathing; inhale, exhale. “We’re okay.” Another deep breath that Magnus could feel deep inside. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

“Everything’s going to be okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> Remember our countdown??? Well, it's OVER! THE THING is COMING, this is not a drill. There will be angst (I don't know if it's as bad as you're expecting but it's coming). Here's the thing, this is the last one *technically* before THE THING. But, I did fail to mention that “the thing” is three parts… The setup. The Plot Twist. The Aftermath. And then a few more things. BUT, I won’t torture you too much! I’ll be posting the first early next week (I’m shooting for Tuesday but don’t hold me to that!) and then the next will be posted with just a day between and then another day between the second and third. Basically, all three will be posted within the same week so you won’t have to wait long! After that…there’s a handful of other parts on our way to the end of the line… Stay tuned! And tell me in the comments what you think/want to happen. It’s already been written but I want to see what you all have in mind!
> 
>  
> 
> LOVE you, all you lovely biscuits! <3<3<3<3<3<3
> 
> Feel free to message me on my [Tumblr](http://imawriteriwrite.tumblr.com/), yelling is more than welcome if you feel the need. =)


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